Stupidity at its Best
by MidnightWritings
Summary: Who really thought that being a good samaritan could get me into so much trouble? AkatsukixOc Rated for Hidan
1. One Little Slip

Stupidity at its Best (A Naruto Story) Ch 1

**Okay! Since I finished Forever Rainbows, I decided to start another fanfiction! I know you're all so happy. This one I actually thought up a long time ago but I was just too busy to put it down on paper. I hope you don't hate it with a fiery passion! Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I am neither male nor Asian nor do I speak Japanese…well. I can stumble through maybe two words XD**

Alright…I'll admit. I'm really quiet stupid. No, no, don't try to persuade me that I'm not. I know for a fact that I am. You'll get my point in just a second. (I'm also clueless and a notorious rambler)

It was a rainy day in the big city. I sigh as I walk and run a hand through my short black hair. There was one streak of red always hanging in my face. I blow it away with a short breath and glare. The red streak was courtesy of my friend Yuki. She'd suggested I get it one night while I was at a party. I wasn't exactly drunk and I wasn't exactly sober. It sounded like a great idea at the time. Now it wouldn't freakin' come OUT! My inner was yelling at Yuki and me while I pulled at it. I probably looked stupider than usual. But when you're me you don't really care the odd looks you get after a while. (See? I warned you that I ramble!)

I was by the bay, my favorite spot. I stop to look out over the stormy water and glance down to see a piece of driftwood.

Only it wasn't driftwood. I double take and swear loudly when I see what it actually is.

A person doing the dead man's float. Never a good thing. Especially when you can't swim very well.

I look around to see if there are any other people to help me get this guy out of the water but, of course, there aren't. Just my luck. I fling off my shoes in what could have been a fit of joy but wasn't. Driftwood-person-thing was still drifting there, the might-be body swaying in the tide.

"God help me," I say under my breath before I dive down into the water gracelessly. I hit the top of it with a smack which made me groan as soon as my face broke the surface again. Good GAWD that hurt! I blow bubbles through my nose and try to hold the scream of pain in. "Thanks for the help, God," I grumble as I swim over to the 'driftwood'. I poke it, making sure I didn't jump down into the freezing water for nothing. It definetly was a human. Was. The word strikes fear into my heart.

I pull the body out of the water and crawl on to the beach, battered by the waves. The body rolls over and reveals a swirled orange mask along with a soaked black cloak with red clouds. Something in the back of my mind makes me think I've seen that before but I take no notice.

"Hey, heeeeeeeeey wakey-wakey!" I say poking the body. "Up and at 'em!" I pick up a gloved hand and find a pulse, surprisingly strong for someone doing the dead man's float. I'm tempted to grab the person's shoulders and shake them screaming "WAKE THE HELL UP!" but my memories of nursing school (before I ran out screaming at the sight of blood) tell me that would just give him brain damage. I sigh a little and pull out my cell phone, dialing those three numbers that would change my life.

"Nine-one-one what's your emergency?" The perky operator asks from the other line.

"I just pulled a guy…I think it's a guy… out of the bay. He was doing the dead man's float but he has a pulse and won't wake up. Is there anything else I can do while I wait for the ambulance?" I ask all business.

"No, just make sure you keep him warm. Where are you by the bay?" She asks sounding surprised.

"Behind the pet store," I say and she keeps talking to me as the sound of the siren draws closer. The two paramedics jump out of the van and pick up the guy.

"Would you like to come with? You've just saved this guy's life," One says closing one of the back doors. I nod and he helps me into the back before the van screams off. The one that was nice to me, Hiroshi, pulls off his mask and puts his ear near the guy's mouth.

"Still breathing, but it's faint," He says looking at the white medic patch over his left eye. "Other vitals are pretty decent; this is one lucky guy," I nod numbly and can't help but feel awful for the unconscious man in front of me. Guilt gnaws at me and I wiggle my bare toes.

_Kuso_ I think darkly and glare down at my naked piggies. They wiggle and I glare at them.

Wiggle. Glare.

Wiggle. Glare.

Wiggle. Glare.

Wiggle. Glare.

"What are you doing?" Hiroshi asks looking at my toes.

"Glaring at my naked piggies," I say then realize how childish and stupid that sounds. I push up my glasses and blush. "Sorry,"

"Its fine, it's cute," He says and I blush harder. "You remind me of my niece,"

"How old is she?"

"Three,"

_Kuso_ "Really? How sweet," I say mentally kicking myself.

"Yeah, she looks a lot like you," He says and I blush even harder. "Hey…he's waking up," The guy I saved opens the eye not coved by the medic patch and blinks.

"Where is Tobi?" He asks before making a frantic move to pull his mask back on. Hiroshi helps him and frowns.

"Who's Tobi?" He asks watching the guy.

"Tobi is Tobi!" He sounds a little frustrated.

"I'm guessing that he is Tobi," I say and he gasps.

"Tobi knows pretty girl-chan!" He says happily.

_God_ I think looking up at the ceiling. _Why must you hate me?_


	2. Hospital Smell

Stupidity at its Best (A Naruto Story) Ch 2

**Thanks to everyone who read the first chapter of "Stupidity at its Best"! It takes me a day or so to write the chapter then another day to correct any errors my amazing beta-reader Kit finds, so I'll be thanking everyone who reads it at the end of the chapter, right before I post it! And especially with how hectic this week is going to be…I'll be lucky if I get one chapter out. Sorry if I'm more or less dead. ^^"**

My eye twitches when I meet his gaze. He looks like an eager puppy. Have I mentioned that I don't like dogs? It's not really that I don't like them…it's that they hate me. I'm really more of a cat person.

"Do you know him?" Hiroshi asks frowning a little.

"I don't think so," I say frowning as well. "So um, Tobi, how do you know me?"

"Leader-sama said-" His eyes get huge behind his mask and he stops talking.

"Said what?" We ask at the same time. Tobi shakes his head with huge eyes.

"Tobi'll be a bad boy if Tobi tells!" He says frantically.

"Hey, calm down there kid!" Hiroshi says attaching a heart rate monitor to his finger. "We can't get a good vitals reading if you're freakin' out like that,"

"Tobi is sorry," He says quietly, looking down.

"Its fine," I say reaching out to put my hand on his shoulder. He flinches under my touch but doesn't pull away. "You won't be a bad boy if you tell us, you'll be an even…uh, gooder boy!" He opens his mouth to respond but the ambulance pulls into the hospital. They take him off the van and rush him inside like someone's dying. I sigh and take a seat in the waiting room, flipping through an old gossip magazine.

It's half an hour later when I see Hiroshi walk by.

"Hey! Is he okay?" I ask jogging up to him. He smiles when he sees me.

"He was just asking about you. Tobi's fine, all he suffered was minor injuries, mostly exhaustion. He's in room 131 if you're interested," I grin and out of instinct hug him quickly.

"Thanks so much, Hiroshi-san!" I say running down the hall and skidding into Tobi's room. A nurse looks at me strangely and Tobi waves.

"Pretty girl-chan!" He says and tries to bounce out of bed but the nurse holds him there.

"Not done yet~," She chides. He pouts a little and sits back, letting her finish her tests. She giggles a little as she passes me. "He's a real sweetie,"

"Pretty girl-chan came to see Tobi!" He says, his visible eye sparkling.

"Yeah…I wanted to make sure you were okay before I went home, and my name is Mitsukai Kumori," I say rubbing the back of my neck. He grins and I see a blush forming on top of his mask.

"Tobi wants to hug Kumori-chan! Kumori-chan saved Tobi's life!" I shrug a little as he wraps his arms around me in a bone crushing hug. A small grunt escapes my lips before he lets go.

"It really was nothing," I mumble, not use to this kind of attention. "I really didn't do anything,"

"Tobi is forever in debt to Kumori-chan!" He says now hugging my legs. I look down and blink.

"Why are you hugging my legs?"

"Tobi doesn't really know!" He says brightly. I look down at him and he looks up, almost wiggling with excitement.

"You're a strange little guy aren't you?" I say to myself.

"That's what Sempai always said," He says sounding sad. "Tobi misses sempai already," I then do the second stupidest thing I can possibly do in one day. I ask him a simple question.

"Do you have a place to stay, Tobi? It doesn't seem like you're from around here…you could stay with me if you want, if you don't have any other place," His eyes get huge and sparkly. I knew it was a mistake the second the words flew out of my mouth. I'm mentally kicking myself when he hugs my legs even tighter.

"GACK!" My legs buckle and I fall backwards. Tobi squeals and tries to stand up while still hanging onto my legs. Needless to say, that doesn't work. I'm groaning on the floor (yes that does sound very awkward! But Tobi is such a good boy!) And he's still clinging to my legs.

"Tobi doesn't have a place to stay! Tobi would love to stay with his new best friend Kumori-chan! YAY!"

My eye twitches. Best…friend?

"Yeah!" Tobi says happily and I realize I'd said it out loud. "Kumori-chan is Tobi's new best friend!" My eye twitches at the word and I bite my lip to hold back a sigh. He's wiggling like an eager puppy…again. He wants me to respond.

"Yay," I say with a grimace. He seems to take it as a real smile and glomps me as the nurse from before comes back in.

"Oh~," She giggles. "Am I interrupting?" My face burns red and Tobi bounces up to her before bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"Nope! Tobi was just hugging his new best friend, Kumori-chan!" He says and glomps the nurse. She laughs and hugs him back.

"Kumori must be very lucky," She says winking at me. I turn even deeper red and mumble an excuse under my breath. "I'll leave you two alone,"

"Bye-bye!" Tobi says cheerfully and waves at her. I force a small wave looking robotic.

"We should probably go home," I mutter as Tobi flutters around humming something that sounded oddly like song "Gummy Bear". "I need to feed Byakko,"

"Huh? White tiger?" He asks stopping and bouncing on his heels.

"You'll see why I named her that when you meet her," I mutter under my breath.

~Line~

"Here we are," I say as Tobi and I step into the hallway of my apartment.

"Tobi likes it!" He says, his eyes sparkling.

"It's what I call home," I shrug and open the door. There's a feral yowl and I'm engulfed in a hissing white ball of fuzz. "I missed you too Byakko-baka," I grumble as she attacks my hair. Tobi squeals and pulls the fuzz ball of my head, squishing her gently in a hug.

"Tobi likes Byakko-chan!" He decides as the cat yowls louder.

"You're the only one,"

"What was that?" He asks and looks up at me with huge innocent eyes, making me melt.

"Nothing," I say shaking my head before adding "Are you hungry?"


	3. Ice Ice Baby

Stupidity at its Best (A Naruto Story) Ch 3

**Thanks for all the reviews! I GOT THREE SO FAR! I don't own anything Naruto. Akatsuki included *sob***

**SnowsShadow: Thank you~! This is the first story I've posted of FanFic, as you can see. XD I'm glad you like it and I like the cute Tobi better myself. Thanks for the review**

**theoretical indecisive-ness: *bows* Your wish is my command! *poof* Here be the new chapter! X3 Thanks for the review (for chapter 1)**

**theoretical indecisive-ness: Thanks again for your review! I'm glad you like it so much, reviews keep me going (for chapter 2)**

_This kid is insane_ I think as I watch Tobi inhale the instant ramen I'd made. _Didn't they feed him back where ever he came from?!_

"More please~" He says looking up at me with those huge innocent eyes. I melt a little inside seeing him look at me with that adorable child-like stare. I push my chair away from the square table and get up. "Thank Kumori-chan~" He sweetly says after me. He sets his chopsticks down on the table and cuddles into the quilt wrapped around his shoulders as he pulls his mask back down over his lips. They were pale, I'd noticed while he inhaled the first cup of noodles. This was his fourth and he was still hungry.

_He's an odd boy_ I think as he pulls his feet under the quilt, his shoes still on. He sees me looking at him and shakes his arm to get the quilt off so his hand shows. I can practically see the huge smile on his face as he waves. I wave back gingerly as I see the water starts to boil. He watches me carefully as I pour it into the cup and look over at the clock.

_Nine-oh-four_ I think. _Had it really gotten that late?_ He starts bouncing in his chair when the three minute waiting time for the noodles to cook has passed. I rip the seasoning packet open and stir it into the hot soup. He picks his chopsticks back up as I set the cup down, spilling a little of the broth on my hand.

Hissing in surprise at the sudden pain and bring my index finger to my mouth to attempt to soothe the burn. Tobi gasps a little and pushes his mask up again. His lips, is see, are pale as well. Everything about what I can see of his face is pale, like he hadn't let them see the light of day in a long time. He takes my finger out of my mouth.

"Tobi's sorry, Tobi's a bad boy," He says and I can feel his lips brush my finger as he talks. My face colors a little when he puts it in his mouth to soothe the burn.

"No you're not, it was my mistake," I mumble blushing harder. Byakko ruins the moment completely by coming in and weaving in between my legs, crying loudly at the lack of attention and food. I deadpan slightly and gently tug my finger free. He pouts a little but lets my finger go. "Stupid cat," I fill up her food dish again and the little pig starts gobbling her food down again, making contented purring noises.

"Tobi likes Byakko-chan!" He decides looking at her, his head tilted to the side. The cat stops eating and the hair on her spine stands up as Tobi bends down to pet her, hissing. He grins behind his mask and picks her up, squishing her gently in a hug…again. "Byakko-chan likes Tobi!" I snicker under my breath.

"I think so!" It's painfully obvious the dislike on her fuzzy face. She glares at me and I ruffle her hair gently. "Love you too baby," Tobi skips back over to the table and pulls the quilt around his shoulders again. He scoots his chair back and picks up the chopsticks, inhaling his dinner once again. I take my seat across from him and prop my elbow on the table, my chin resting in my hand. The only sounds coming from the house are him slurping his noodles and Byakko complaining loudly about…everything. I sigh quietly and look out the window, taking in the night. My thoughts go back to what had happened today and I shake my head.

_Stupid boss_ I think darkly. _He's more of a womanizer than that guy from Inuyasha…_ I close my eyes and my pinky nail finds its way into my mouth. A thinking habit I long to break. I open my eyes again and scream in surprise, flying backwards out of my chair. My glasses skew slightly so one side is hanging by my cheekbone and the other is low on my nose. Tobi, who is sitting on my stomach, blinks innocently and stares into my muddy green eyes like they're going to tell him the secret to always being a good boy. I push my glasses back up and adjust them so they sit properly on my nose. He grins behind his mask and I can't help but smile back. A small giggle rumbles from my throat and soon I'm laughing. Tobi starts laughing as well, not sure what's so funny but not wanting to get left out.

"Oh Kami," I say lying back so my head is on the cold tile floor. Byakko comes over and curls up on my chest and purrs loudly. "I haven't laughed that hard in forever,"

"Tobi hasn't either~" He says, still giggling. _Everything feels right._ I notice with a small smile.

"Let's get to bed," I say stifling a yawn that wants to break free and infest the world with a yawn-fest. "Gotta get up and go to work tomorrow…eh work," Slumping a little at the thought of doing a job that didn't pay me near enough for what I went through, I get up and kick the chair back into the table moodily. Tobi blinks in surprise at my sudden lack of happiness but follows me into my room.

"Is this Kumori-chan's room?" He asks and I nod. Every where there is black. Black walls, black sheets, black dresser, black desk. All crammed into the little space I call my room. Splotches of paint have festively and artistically flung themselves across the walls and on parts of the furniture. All bright neon colors. My walls are covered in pictures I've taken, each one carefully position, both in the shot and on the wall. "Deidara-sempai would like this room," He notes and I nod again, not knowing who Deidara is.

"You'll be sleeping here, I'll take the couch," I say motioning to my bed as I get some sheets and an extra pillow out of the closet.

"Nou~" Tobi wails flailing his arms around in a horrified fashion. "Tobi will sleep on the couch! Kumori-chan has already done so much for Tobi!" I open my mouth to protest but he's already taken the make shift bed things out of my arms and stomped off to the couch. "Good nigh Kumori-chan!" He adds cheerfully over his shoulder.

"Night," I reply meekly. I go through my normal evening routine and get into bed, sleep coming easily. That is, until about two in the morning…

"Pst! Is Kumori-chan sleeping?" _Poke, Poke, Poke, Poke._ "Kumori-chan~ Wake up~" I open my eyes and yawn sleepily.

"Is the meadow on fire?" I ask rubbing a clump of sleep from my eye.

"No," Tobi says looking like he was about to cry. "Tobi had a bad dream,"

"Oh," I say quietly. "Do you want to talk about it? Sometimes that helps," He shakes his head and then asks shyly,

"Can Tobi sleep with Kumori-chan?" He instantly flinches as if I were going to hit him for requesting something like that. I smile a little and inch over, holding up the covers for him to get in.

"Sure," He darts under and cuddles into me happily.

"Night Kumori-chan,"

"G'night Tobi,"


	4. B&E!

Stupidity at its Best (A Naruto Story) Ch 4

**Thank to XShatteredxEyesX for the favorite, ****rosethourne for the alert, AnonymoustheFirst for subscribing, nicsnort for the alert, SnowsShadows for the subscription, SnowsShadows for the favorite, Tokomishi Heart for the favorite, and jirachi49 for the alert **BeNiceToAnime for the favorite story, for the favorite author, and for the alert!**!! *whew* That's a lot~!! You all are amazing! I'd love to have one review from each of you so I could get your views on my story. Not like I'm asking or anythin'… ." Fine, please review! Hey speaking of reviews…**

**SnowsShadow: XD Be careful! Art is a bang~**

**They make me do my happy dance. Claimer: I own Kumori! HA!**

I yawn when I wake up the next morning, feeling oddly rested and happy.

"Haven't slept that well in forever," I murmur sleepily and Byakko uncurls herself, stretching with a long purr.

"Neither has Tobi," Says the warmth around my waist. I scream in surprise and fall half-way off my bed before I remember what had happened the day before. I groan quietly seeing my state. One leg is bent under me and the other is tangled in the sheets. He looks down at me and I'm sure that if he wasn't wearing a mask, alarm would be on his face. "Kumori-chan?" He asks and I can hear the frown in his voice.

"I'm fine, you just scared me, I forgot about what happened yesterday," I say laughing sheepishly. Byakko jumps down and lays on me, happy. I glare slightly and tug gingerly at the foot wrapped in the sheets. "Tobi?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you untie me?" I ask hanging my head in defeat. "I'm stuck," He grins behind his mask and easily unwraps my foot. "Much better," I reach over to the night stand and pluck my glasses off their spot before putting them on so I can see. Making circles with my foot, I hear the muscles pop and yawn again. A small, happy moan escapes my lips this time and I smile. "Shoo while I change, will ya?" He nods and scurries off out of my room, getting the door behind him.

I smack my lips sleepily as I thump over to my closet. After rifling around for a few minutes, I pick out my usual work clothes. My favorite pair of light and slightly torn jeans. They have a butterfly on the back left pocket, which I slip my phone into. I hop around in a circle as my foot (the same one that got stuck in the blankets) gets stuck in the pant leg.

"Stupid pants!" I grumble darkly and smack into my wall. "Oww~,"

"Is Kumori-chan okay?" Tobi calls from the kitchen.

"I'm fine!" I say feeling a welt forming on my chin. A sky blue shirt with a bird trying to fly away on the right shoulder finds its way into my hand. I go to the mirror and frown at my appearance. Bed head is a pain. The brush snarls through my hair as I start working out the tangles. Good news: My hair isn't bed head-ish any more. Bad news: It's sticking straight out. I groan again and grab the spray bottle to try taming my hair. I swear it hisses at me as I spray water on it. "Stupid hair, stupid red thingy, stupid job," I mutter as I pull my hair back into a short ponytail. Stumbling out of my room in search of my morning cup of coffee, the smell of bacon hits my nose.

"Tobi made breakfast!" He says brightly and holds out a plate of bacon and eggs to me. I blink in surprise before taking it and sit back down at the table.

"Thanks Tobi, but you didn't have to do that," I say and notice he's still wearing the clothes I found him in. "We can stop and grab you a couple more shirts and pants before my shift starts," I add nibbling on the food. And let me tell you, Tobi's a dayum good cook!

"Does Kumori-chan like it?" He asks wriggling like an eager puppy as his meal sizzles in the pan. I'm still shocked the food doesn't have heavenly rays of light coming off of it so I'm only able to nod dumbly.

"Tobi, you're a really good cook," I say when I find my voice again. "Amazingly good," He beams under my praise and I can almost see the hearts and rainbows radiating off of him.

"Is Tobi a good boy?"

"Tobi is a very good bo-HOLY HELL WE'RE LATE!" I scream looking at the bunny shaped clock on my counter. "Eat fast, Tobi!" I add hopping to get my shoes on. He gulps down the hot food like it's nothing and pulls his shoes on, running after me out the door.

~line~

We are only two minutes late when we skid into the library and I dash behind the deck.

"Sorry I'm late," I say bowing to my boss. The old perv looks me over, his eyes stopping at the 'horizon', before nodding.

"I'll excuse this one because of how hard you've been working lately." He says dryly. "Who's your friend?"

"That's Tobi," I say glancing at my… I guess he's my friend. "He's been staying with me and I don't have anywhere else to drop him so he kinda had to come with me," He nods slowly, stroking his mustache thoughtfully.

"He could shelve books, could he?" I nod after a second's thought.

"He's a fast learner," He smiles slightly.

"Good, Tobi-san!" He calls and Tobi bounces over, his bag of new clothes swinging merrily.

"Hai Kumori-chan's Boss-san?" He asks stopping and bringing his feet together with a quiet tap. My boss chuckles.

"Would you mind helping us out while you're here with Mitsukai? We're a little bit low staffed because of the flu going around," Tobi's visible eye gets huge and he starts bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"Tobi would love to! After all, Tobi is a good boy!" This time he laughs.

"Perfect, you can put your stuff in the back with Mitsukai's and she'll tell you what you can do to help," He says and goes back to whatever he was doing before I came…probably watching pron. I shudder slightly at the thought of what he does when he's alone.

"C'mon Tobi," I say gently pulling the book return arm up so we can get through. He bounces after me happily, making sure to not make a sound as he puts the arm back down.

The rest of the morning was fairly quiet. Tobi caught on to how working at the library worked quickly and was soon shelving books like he'd been doing it all of his life. He hardly said anything and I mentally chuckled at the cute look of determination on his mask. I could almost envision how he looked. It wasn't until he heard voices that he said something.

"Are you sure he's here, yeah? I don't sense his chakra…"

"SEMPAI!" He yells, completely forgetting the library rules. I flinch slightly and step out from behind the desk to follow him. That is another one of the stupid things I've done. After all, curiosity and stupidity killed the cat.


	5. PronBossthe Sakura of Kumori's World

Stupidity at its Best (A Naruto Story) Ch 5

**Wow! I never expected so many people to respond so well to this story! Thanks to everyone who's read. Here are the review answers:**

**AnonymoustheFirst****: Thank you so much! You're not a lunatic and I'm so glad you love the fanfic as much as I do. PLEASE DON'T KILL YOURSELF!**

**theoretical indecisive-ness****: (CH 3) Yay! I is different! I'm glad you like it~ (CH 4) So true. That's what I was thinking of when I wrote that! They is finally here.**

**SnowsShadow: Thank you for admiring my few abilities. XD And they might kill you…or keep you… ."**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. My last name is not Kishimoto. I wish it was though. XP**

Like I've said before, I'm stupid. I'm very stupid. Add as many very's as you like, I'm still going to be the same stupid girl. The information you're about to read in this next chapter of my story will make you shake your head and say "Why didn't she see that coming and turn a blind eye?" You'll see what I mean soon…

"Sempai! Sempai! Sempai! Sempai! Sempai!" Tobi chants bouncing up and down in front of annoyed blond. "Tobi knew Sempai would come for Tobi!" He's doing his happy puppy wriggle.

The blond deadpans at him.

"One of the biggest mistakes I've ever made, un," I realize it's a guy from the sound of his voice. There's a sliver-haired man (who's shirtless, I realize after looking at him for a second.), a guy with black hair pulled into a pony tail, a man with a mask over his mouth and nose and red (?!) eyes, a guy that looks like a botany project gone wrong, and a blue hair/skinned man with tattoos of gills on his cheekbones. He's also seven foot gazillion. All of them are wearing the same red cloud, black cloth robe like they're in some kind of gang.

I wouldn't have been seen if it wasn't for that spider on the floor. I happen to look down at exactly the wrong time and see it.

"OHMYKAMI SPIDER!" I scream and jump onto the information desk still screaming. "SPIDER! SPIDER! SPIIIIIIDEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR! SOMEONE STOMP IT!" Did I mention I have a fear of spiders? No? Really? Now you know.

"TOBI WILL SAVE KUMORI-CHAN!" He yells and comes running to save me. He squishes the spider on the way and glomps me. "TOBI IS A HUMAN SHIELD!" The other five men stare at us like we're insane. Probably because it's true.

"This her?" The blue man asks shifting the stick on his back to the other side. I look around stupidly to see who he's talking about. There are no other hers around.

_Oh kuso._ I think trying to inch back to the back where my pron-watching boss. _Oh great. Stuck between Tobi's scary looking friends and my somewhat needy boss. Kami-sama, why don't you love me?_ I'm almost to the returns desk when I feel a hand clap down on my shoulder. Turning around slowly, I see the silver haired man grinning down at me.

"Where do you think you're going, cutie?" I pale.

"B-Back to the back where I'll continue shelving books like nothing happened?" I ask hoping he'll let me go. I really shouldn't have come out here. I really shouldn't have gotten out of bed.

"SO sorry but you know too much. You'll have to come back with us. We need a new maid anyway…" He looks me over and I feel like I'm being x-rayed. "Still have the old one's costume…" His tone is as tainted as the smirk on his face. I shiver a little and worm my shoulder free of his grasp.

"You don't want me to go with you! I've got a wife and kids at home!" The entire group gives me a weird look.

"But you're a girl," The botany project says quietly. "**You wouldn't be gay would you?**"

"You're too young to be married anyway," The black haired man says dryly.

"I've got a cat," I say meekly. Tobi squeals jumping up and down.

"Tobi like Byakko-chan and Byakko-chan likes Tobi!"

_WHY THE HELL HASN'T PRON-BOSS COME OUT TO SEE WHAT ALL THE YELLING IS ABOUT?!_ My inner yells pulling at her hair. _He's always getting on us about how yelling isn't allowed in a library! WHY THE HELL HASN'T HE COME TO RESCUE US?! KYAAAAA I CAN'T GO BACK WITH THEM! I'M NOT LIKE THAT! I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD A BOYFRIEND SINCE I WAS A SENIOR! RESCUE US STUPID PRON-BOSS!_ By now she's about ready to start having a seizure if that'll make Pron-Boss save us.

"We're going back to your house," The red-eyed man says firmly. "The portal doesn't open until six, so we might as well stay out of the open,"

"At least tell me your names," I say in a last attempt to stall a little.

"Itachi," The black haired one.

"Hidan," The guy who was trying to cut off circulation to my shoulder.

"Kakuzu," The red-eyed one.

"Kisame," The blue one, seven foot gazillion.

"_**Zetsu,**_" The botany project gone wrong.

"And Tobi is Tobi!" He yells dramatically and grins at me. His stomach growls and makes ripples down the front of his shirt. He rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. "Tobi is a hungry boy,"

"I can get some food on my way home!" I offer, the sinking feeling that I wasn't getting out of this lodging itself firmly in my stomach. "Just let me tell my boss I'm taking the rest of the day off." I start moving toward the back but the grip tightens on my shoulder and I whimper quietly.

"We're going home now," He says in a tight voice and I turn toward him with a small nod.

"I'll take you there," I say, knowing I was caught. Kisame grins at me.

"Good girl, she knows exactly how to do as she's told," I bite back a comment about how I'm not a dog but then think better of it. He'd just told me I was kinda smart. Tobi grins as we start walking out of the library, bouncing up to me.

"Does Kumori-chan like the Akatsuki?" He asks looking at me hopefully.

"They're um… interesting," I say glancing over my shoulder at my 'stalkers'. Hidan grins back at me with a smile that makes me not want to know what he's thinking. I shiver a little and start walking toward a McDonald's. How bad could this be?

**Sorry…Not my best chapter, I know. I promise that the next one'll be better! Don't hurt me~ *cowers***


	6. McDonald'sI'm Hatin' It

Stupidity at its Best (A Naruto Story) Ch 6

**Hello my amazing readers! *happy sob* I love you all so much! Sorry about last chapter…T.T" It was bad, I know. Hopefully this one'll make up for it! Reviews:**

**SnowsShadow: Yeah…^^" You'll see how smart my dear Kumori-baka is. **

**Kumori: *locked in my closet* LEMME OUT KUSO! ME AND JOHNNY ARE GETTING HUNGRY IN HERE!  
Angel: …. ." Pigs. I already threw you an orange.**

**Kumori: THAT WAS TWO WEEKS AGO!**

**Angel: Details, details. Now stop whining or I won't let you eat in this chapter.**

**Kumori: ToT" Why must you torture us?  
Angel: =^w^= It's because I love you both~**

**Kumori/Johnny Depp: -.-"**

**caitlin: Thanks for that! XP I was thinking about the white…red of his eye XD**

**Kit: (My Beta Reader) Thank you so much for all you do for me~ I waffles you.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I wish I was Asian, but sadly, I am white. XD Please review! They make me happy! Plus if you review as much as SnowsShadow does you might make a cameo in my story! Not like I'm bribing you or anything**

Groaning, I put my head in my right hand, the other arm crossed across my chest. What would make me do this, you ask? Just ask the smoking statue of Ronald McDonald next to me. His feet that is. The rest of his was um…unfortunately blown up in a complete 'accident'.

"Deidara-san," I say slowly, working to keep my voice even. "Why did you blow up the statue?" I know he can hear me even though I'm talking to the ground. He chuckles nervously.

"Two reasons, yeah," He says holding up two of his fingers. His mouth hands grin at me and a car going through the drive-thru honks at us to get out of the road. Hidan flips him off and starts swearing loudly before Kakuzu rolls his eyes and drags him out of the street by his ear. "One, the most important one, is because it wasn't art, un! And the second reason is it was creepy," I look thoughtfully at where the statue was before shrug-nodding.

"Very true," He grins gleefully.

"Reminds me of Oro-mff" He's cut off when Itachi's hand goes over his mouth. A sharp look and a few hissed words keep him quiet until we get in line for food.

"What do you guys want?" I ask feeling my wallet start to ache in my back pocket. I had a feeling this was going to take a lot out of it. It was already thin enough from my crappy job. Itachi steps in front of me when it's our turn to order smoothly and the cashier girl almost faints when she looks at him. I must admit, she's pretty. Her brown hair is pulled back a pony tail above the strap of her McDonald's visor. Her grey eyes sparkle and I can tell she's got a good figure from where I'm standing.

"What can I get you?" She asks breathily while batting her eyes. He doesn't seem to notice she's doing a really bad job of flirting with him.

"Twenty Big Mac meals and five large sodas and whatever the girl wants," He says coldly and she almost faints from happiness.

"Yes sir," She says happily and about kills me with a death glare when I order McNuggets and a large soda. I about died when she told me the amount I owed her.

"WHAAAAAAT?!" I yell getting everyone in the huge lines turn to glare at me.

"You heard me," She says coldly, her hand outstretched for the money. I whimper quietly and give her the money, picking up the huge order and staggering over to the table the Akatsuki had chosen.

"She's gonna make a good maid," Hidan muses taking one of the burgers off the dray so I can now see. My eyebrow twitches a little as I set the tray down and go to get my soda. Zetsu comes up behind me while I'm contemplating what kind of soda I want.

"Sorry about Hidan, **yeah he can be a real as-**"

"Its fine," I cut him off seeing a group of kids run by. "Seriously," He looks at me like he knows I'm lying but my smile seems to creep him out.

"_**Let us know if he bothers you**_," He says reaching out to the iced tea container. I blink in surprise as the ice machine starts throwing up into my cup.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" He pauses when his cup is half way filled, reaching over to get some ice.

"What do you mean?" He asks as he presses the nozzle thingy to get more tea.

"Why are you being so nice to me? I'm probably going to be killed once my usefulness runs out," I mumble starting to fill my plastic cup with diet whatever. The drink bubbles cheerfully in my cup like it's mocking me. I glare at it and Zetsu takes his time to respond.

"Not necessarily," His white side says gently. "Like Hidan said, we need a new maid and if you can prove that you're worth something to Leader-sama you might live a little longer,"

"I can cook…kinda clean… I can do laundry…?" I offer lamely as I try to put the lid on my soda.

"**That's more housework than we can do,**" His black side says with a sharp laugh that makes me jump and spill soda down my shirt. I groan under my breath muttering every swear I know. Zetsu looks mildly surprised at my language but doesn't say anything. I'm still swearing, the words getting steadily louder, as I go to get napkins. It does little help and I notice that now my shirt is more or less see-through.

_CHA! NOW WE CAN SHOW OFF OUR HOT BOD!_ My inner yells punching the air. I push up my glasses and roll my eyes.

_You forget we don't have anything to show off._ I mumble to myself looking at my chest. Or lack therefore of. _I don't gots girls._

_And whose fault is that for not eating enough chicken?!_

_WHAT DO YOU MEAN FOR NOT EATING ENOUGH CHICKEN?!_ My inner gives me a smug smirk.

_You heard me._

_Chienne. _

_Idiot._

_Shorty._

_Mierda. _

_Ugly._

_  
Flat!_

_Fat!_

_WHAT DID YOU SAY?!_

YOU HEARD ME!

_BRING IT!_

RAAAAAAAWR! I envision me attempting to beat the crap out of myself. Either way I lose. Kuso I'm stupid! I sigh, going back to the soda machine with my ego bruised.

"Where'd my soda go?" I mutter looking around for it. A black hand slides a full cup to me, lid on and straw sticking out of the straw hole. "Thank you Zetsu-san," I say, raising my eyes slightly in surprise.

"_**It's nothing**_," He says and our hands brush slightly when I take the drink from him. I smile a little as I walk back to the table, where the Akatsuki has already inhaled their food.

"We're leaving," Kakuzu says standing up and I, unfortunately, happen to be behind Tobi as he eagerly stands up to put the tray away. The trash goes flying and the tray hits me squarely in the forehead with one of the corners. My glasses go flying off and land under Itachi's foot. Thankfully he doesn't crush them, he just uses said foot to stop them.

Let me tell you something, those corners are pointy! Deidara catches me as I start falling backwards and gently presses a napkin to the tiny bloodspot on my forehead.

"Thanks," I mumble blushing a little at my own stupidity.

"No problem, yeah,"


	7. Amish Escalators

Stupidity at its Best (A Naruto Story) Ch 7

***twitch-twitch* Okay, so many people have favorited this story and alerted and stuff but could you please review?! Thanks to everyone who has but given me feed back! Constructive criticism is always wanted and appreciated. Thanks especially to:**

**theoretical indecisive-ness: It's true! It looks like him, but just with red hair! XD And that's why I named it Stupidity at its Best**

**nicsnort: O-o' You do? I'm not really seeing that as a particularly good thing. Just kidding! I beat myself up too and go honey and coca-cola! *woo***

**Friglit: Thank you so much! *bows* And thanks for the alert and favorite *happy dance***

**SnowsShadow: YAY! I'm glad you're still reading and reviewing. Is the fluff a good thing…? I personally love fluff.**

Weird looks are all around us. I'm currently standing on Kisame's feet with Itachi's elbow in my ear and Hidan's hand trying to get some. Tobi's sitting by my leg and munching a bag of M+M's I'd gotten him earlier. Zetsu has Deidara shoved against his black arm and Hidan with his face pressed against the fly-trap. Kakuzu is the only one mildly comfortable, having found a seat between two screaming kids. He looks like he wants to strangle them but has found the kindness deep down inside him not to kill them…yet. Why are we like this, you ask? We're on a subway. I'm calling it the Subway-Ride-o-Fun.

Speaking of fun, I'm currently questioning my sanity. Sure I could try to run but with this kind of sardines-in-a-can thing the contents of the subway is imitating. I can barely breathe, no less try to make my escape. Besides, all Kisame has to do is move his leg a little and my face is in some guy's armpit. And from where I am standing, less than six inches from my neighbor, I can smell clearly that he's been working out and forgot to put deodorant back on. Sweat stains show around his arms on the light workout shirt he's wearing and I mentally make a face.

The robotic voice comes on and I can make out a muffled and garbled response that sounds something that sounds like my stop.

"Next stop is ours," I say loudly enough for everyone to hear me. Tobi gets off my leg happily and starts bouncing toward the exit, making everyone around him much less happy. The only good thing that comes out of that is he's parted the Red Sea…er… the red faces. Sweaty, as I had mentally dubbed the person standing between me and freedom minutes before, doesn't seem to notice my want to get off.

"Excuse me," I mumble and try to get past him. He doesn't move an inch. "Excuse me." I say a little louder. "Excuse me, I want to get off,"

I hear a snicker behind me and see Kisame looking amused. I deadpan as the train starts slowing for the stop coming up. I make a swooping motion with my arms as if to say "let's see you try." He shrugs, picks me up so I'm cradled in one arm, and shoves anyone in his way out of his way as the doors open with a cheerful warning about open doors.

The other Akatsuki members come out smoothly, except for Tobi who stumbles out gracelessly. People shove past him to get on the subway and his foot gets stepped on. He shakes his fist at the train as it zooms away, his posture and I'm sure his expression in a cute only he can pull off while still being angry. I mentally squeal before remembering my position.

"Um…Kisame-san? Can you put me down now?" I ask in a small voice and I hear him chuckle, feeling the vibrations from his deep voice go into my shoulder. I find my feet back on the ground an instantly regret it. I usually walk home from work or to where ever I need to go, but this was an exception since I'm traveling with such a large group.

I sigh quietly as I start wading through the trash-covered floor to the escalators. Getting on a step, I ride up to the top with my fingers tapping out a random beat on the railing. The sticky plastic doesn't want to let go of my hand when I get to the top but a couple of tugs and it's free, but a layer or two of skin missing from my palm. Pain stings numbly in my hand but I don't notice, looking around for the rest of my traveling party. I look back down at the bottom of the moving staircase and blink in surprise.

They're still standing there. My eye twitches a little.

_Are they Amish or something?! _My inner grumbles putting a hand over her eyes and shaking her head. _They act like they've never ridden on an escalator before. Stupids, it's not that hard. You get on, ride to the top, avoid touching the railing, and get off. It's so simple._

After watching me for a few more moments, Kakuzu shrugs slightly and easily morphs into the crowd so he's swept into the flow of people that are riding up to the next floor. He gets off and walks over to me like he's been doing it his entire life. The rest of the Akatsuki gets on and rides up, hints of caution in their posture as if they were going to get attacked by the moving stairs.

"You guys aren't from around here, are you?" I ask as we start walking toward the next set of escalators.

"More than you know, girl," I think I hear Hidan say but a roaring fills my ears as the words slip from his mouth. I'm the only one that seems to notice it but I can see Deidara tense slightly behind me. My hands clap over my ears in a pathetic attempt to keep the noise out but it keeps getting louder. I feel my eyes sting as wind starts whipping around us, only the Akatsuki is being affected… and me. Nobody else notices my pain or the sudden, strong wind. I want to scream but my voice is lost in my throat. It hurts so much, my eyes sting more but this time with tears. The roaring is a scream now and my head is pulsing. I press my hands harder over my ears and screw my eyes shut, feeling a tear slip from behind my closed lids. My heart is racing and I'm sure I'm imagining it but it feels like the escalator is slipping away.

Another tear breaks free but this time I feel a hand on my arm. I open my eyes to see the blurry outline of Itachi. His face is emotionless but he gently wraps his hand around my upper arm. His other hand is clasped with Kisame, who's holding hands with Tobi, who's holding hands with Zetsu, who's holding hands with a grudging Hidan, who's grudgingly holding hands with Kakuzu, who's holding hands with Deidara. Very manly, I know. The wind and the roaring slowly start dying down as my heartbeat returns to normal.

Light shines brightly for a few seconds and we all close our eyes. I can see the brightness behind my closed eyelids and when it starts to fade, I reopen them. The roaring and wind are gone now, replaced with a gentle breeze. I slowly lower my hands from my ears and look around. We're in a village. Tall tan buildings are everywhere and a fine mist of sand coats everything and everyone, us being its newest victims. I take a deep breath, smelling the salt from the sand and coughing when I get too much lodged in my nasal cavity.

"Suna," Comes Zetsu's low growl. "The exact place we don't want to be,"


	8. Gaara of the Funk!

Stupidity at its Best (A Naruto Story) Ch 8

**Thank you so much to everyone who's reviewed! I looked at my traffic and I saw that I have gotten over two HUNDRED hits on this story! *wipes tear away from eye* Thank you guys so much for sticking with me! This story only is possible because your sweet reviews keep me going. The plot'll start coming stronger soon. -.-" Sorry it's taken so long to get this rolling but I promise the chapters will start getting better and longer! I'm also taking requests for side-one shots and fluff pairs in the chapters~ Anyone and everyone can be paired up. Please enjoy the next chapter and REVIEW with your votes! :D I am very evil.**

**Googala2: Thanks so much for the favorite and don't worry It'll be out soon!**

**Wolfsredfalcon: Thanks for the alert and favorite. I know! I bet he doesn't think that he's creepy…or does he? ." You're amazing!**

**Friglit: It took a lot to get that scene written… I'm glad it got such a good result. And yes, Byakko-baka will be coming along, but that's a bit later! *wink***

**AnonymoustheFirst: Yep! Gaara-sama's going to be a big part of this arc. I love Tobi; he's my favorite to write! And I did leave a review, it made me laugh!!! Its fans like you that keep me writing**

**SomeOtherPerson: Thank you so much for the favorite and alert! And, in a way, he does, doesn't he? XD **

**theoretical indecisive-ness: They are VERY manly!**

**SnowsShadow: Really? O_O" That was just a thought that came to mind when I was writing it. Kumori never really has a good day. :D I'm evil. I'm glad you like my fluff! It's fun to write.**

**And thanks **to Hinata11235 for the alert, AkatsukisNumber1Fangirl for the alert, and Haniel Hatake for the alert!!** This chapter is for everyone who's reading this story. ^^**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, the Akatsuki, or any other amazing ideas Kishimoto-sama has made up. I only bow to his awesomeness *bows***

My head is still spinning when I grasp what Zetsu has said and what has happened.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!" I yell, not caring all the odd looks I was getting. "Where the hell am I?!"

"Quite," Hidan hisses slapping his hand over my mouth. "We'll explain once we get out of here," I'm still screaming behind his hand but it's too late. I catch the attention of a red headed important looking man. His eyes get huge and I see him say something but I, among my other list of accomplishments I have yet to complete, am not able to read lips. There's something pointy at my throat and is steadily being pressed into it, drawing blood.

"One more move," Itachi says calmly "And the girl has her throat slit. Let us go and she'll be fine,"

"Kazekage-sama," A man says whispering in the important looking man's ear. "We'll let them get out of range and then send our ANBU after them," He nods.

"Don't let them hurt Nariko-san," He says and I look around.

"Who are they talking about?" I ask pulling myself away from Hidan's hand.

"You, now shut the f*** up and go along with it," He says sounding like he could bite my ear off at any minute. I gulp and nod hesitantly. One of Deidara's hands slips down into a pouch on the side of his hip and pulls it out as his mouth hand starts chewing. I glance to the side and see that the rest of the Akatsuki is at the ready.

A few tense moments past and I feel a lot of eyes on me. Shivering a little, I look around and see that the Kazekage's gaze hasn't left me since I started screaming a few minutes ago.

Deidara's arm goes around my waist as he sets whatever his hand had been chewing on the ground. He pulls me close and puts his hands in a weird position. The thing expands so now I see that it's a bird. He jumps with inhuman strength onto the bird and it stretches its wings out, giving a huge shake that almost throws us back to the ground.

Itachi's eyes turn red and swirl, feeling mesmerized.

"Move," He says in a cold voice and the bird forces its wings down once so that we're flying. I'm too amazed to scream again.

The village bellow us gets smaller and smaller as Deidara takes us higher. Minutes pass until he finds our altitude acceptable and lets the bird start flying straight ahead instead of straight up. He lets go of me and smiles a little.

"This is my art, yeah," He says with a hint of pride in his voice.

"How did you do all this?" I ask, awed.

"Chakra, its all part of being a ninja, un," He adds the second part when he sees me open my mouth to ask what chakra is. I frown a little.

_What does he think we are?! _My inner yells instantly getting p.o'd at the idea that we would fall for something as childish as being a ninja. _Ninjas don't exist!_

_Neither do guys with mouths on their hands yet here we are riding on a bird made of clay with a guy that has mouths on his hands._ I think dryly making my inner even madder.

_WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?! _She yells indignantly.

_That you're wrong. This is all real._ She claps her hands over her ears childishly and shakes her head.

_This isn't possible! Cha! _I sigh mentally as the world keeps zooming by. Lowering myself onto my stomach, I look over the side of the bird and watch bellow, picking out specks that I can tell are the rest of the Akatsuki.

Night is starting to reach its long fingers out to engulf the world around me. The sun is setting and I feel drained from what has happened today. Deidara flies the bird in silence for a few more minutes before he speaks up.

"You might want to hold on, yeah, I'm going to be landing soon." I nod and gently weave my fingers into the stiff clay feathers near me. The bird opens its mouth in a silent protest and I sigh.

"Sorry," I mumble and settle for wrapping my arms around Deidara's waist. Blue light-stuff shines from his feet as he sends the bird into a dive, laughing the entire time. A few hellish moments later and we're safely back on the ground. My hair is blown backwards and my glasses are forced up toward the back of my head. Flattening my hair back in vain, I pull my glasses down back over my eyes so I'm not blind.

"Nice," Kisame chuckles under his breath. I'm sure I look like I just got off a rollercoaster and sigh a little. He riffles through his bag and I flinch, thinking that he was finally going to kill me. Instead, he pulls out a hairbrush and a picture. Taking both, I run the brush through my hair with one hand and look at the picture with the other.

The picture has obviously been through a lot. The corners are bent and torn, there are scratches on the page, but one thing in particular catches my eye.

The girl in the picture looks exactly like me, but she isn't wearing glasses and she doesn't have a red streak in her hair. There's also a headband thingy on her forehead with what looks like a fallen-over snail on it.

"That," Kakuzu says taking a seat next to me. "is Nariko Getsu. It's almost funny how much you look alike. She was a beloved Kanoha ninja. Loved by many. But she was weak. Up until the last minute she was still weak. Emotionally and physically,"

"Was?" I ask feeling cold dread curl up into my stomach.

"She was trying to protect the Kyuubi Jinjurkin and we captured her instead of him by accident. Leader-sama had us kill her. She was useless to us. A few of her friends cling to the hope that she's still alive. They have no idea," An evil smirk crawls onto his lips and I shiver.

"Is that why I'm here?" I ask my throat somewhat dry.

"That among other things," He says mysteriously. I shiver again as the smile grows while he looks into the fire, his smile growing bigger.


	9. Tobi Confetti

Stupidity at its Best (A Naruto Story) Ch 9

**WOAH! I'm on chapter nine already! It's insane that I've gotten such good feedback…especially from:**

**SnowsShadow: No, thanks! I love you being a spelling snob! Pleeeeease keep it up!!! He's really a naturally nice guy, isn't he? The look he usually has just screams "HUG ME!" . . Kumori-baka may surprise you… Ha-ha who am I kidding?! She's SCREWED! *Cue evil laughter***

**Googala2: Thanks! =^^= I'm really loving where this is going so I'm glad you like it too! **

**Wolfsredfalcon: Yeah…I'm a Naruto the Abridged Series addict. Sorry to MasacoX and Vegeta3986 if I butcher the lines into oblivion. I do it because I loves you~ XD Mr. McDonald scares everyone…like most clowns. Thanks for the support!**

**Thanks to EdelHZ for the alert and**** Peridot-Horntail for the favorite!**

**Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure that after eight chapters, you know what I don't own.**

_I know this pretty rave girl, always think about her. _Music starts playing from my butt.

No I didn't swallow a radio and am having trouble getting it out.

"Kumori, yeah," Deidara says poking me in the side as I sleep.

"Nng," I mumble rolling over so the music gets louder. "Sleep," Hidan snickers.

"Hey, b****," He says through his laughter. "Your $$ is ringing," I wave a hand and shove my hand into my pocket, picking up the phone.

"What?" I snap shoving the device to my ear.

_"Good morning to you too,"_ I hear my best friend on the other line. _"Now that the formalities are over with, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!" _I wince a little at her tone.

"Yuki…" I whine a little

_"Don't you 'Yuki…' me! I went over to your house last night wanting to see if I could kidnap you so we could go clubbing! THE HOUSE WAS EFFING EMPTY!"_ That gets my attention.

"What do you mean? Isn't Byakko-baka there?"

_"What part of 'THE HOUSE WAS EFFING EMPTY!' don't you understand?! NOW WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!"_

"I-" The phone is yanked out of my grasp and crushed by a pale hand. I gape at the Uchiha prodigy.

"Punishment for trying to escape will be severe," He says dryly as he starts walking. "Put out the fire, Kisame,"

"Got it," He says walking over to it and unzipping his pants.

"NOT LIKE THAT YOU CREEP!" I shriek covering my eyes. "USE WATER! NOT WHAT _WAS_ WATER!"

"Kidding, kidding," He says as he puts his hands together. "…Mostly," My eye twitches a little and I sigh.

"I'm surrounded by males…annoying males," Water gushes suddenly from his mouth and I scream in surprise.

"Jutsu," He says with a cheeky smile. My heart is still pounding as Kakuzu rolls his eyes.

"Let's get going," He grumbles rolling his eyes at my stupidity. I stick my tongue out behind him childishly.

"Don't think I didn't see that," He says and I blink.

"You're creepier then Pron-Boss,"

"Thank you," I shiver a little at his tone and step away slowly. I step into Zetsu.

"Oh, sorry Zetsu-san," I say with a small smile. "Did I step on your foot?"

"No it's fine yo-" His words are cut short when a wall of sand forms between us. It forms a ball around me and my first scream is

"OHMYGAWD I'M GOING TO RUN OUT OF AIR!" Then the second one was

"HOLY SNAP IT'S DARK!" I then proceed to sit down and curl up into a ball.

Muffled voices are outside the ball and it's not long before I hear a battle going on.

"HEY! I'M GETTING LOW ON AIR IN HERE!" I yell after a few minutes.

"Duck," A muffled voice orders and I duck as ordered. The sand in front of me turns to glass suddenly before the glass broke. A few of the shards scratched my skin but I don't feel it. I'm mesmerized by Itachi's eyes. They both look like those windmill thingies, only sharper. "Don't look into my eyes," His cold voice comes suddenly and I flinch at his tone nodding. His eye flick to me for one second before picking me up and jumping back, just as a runaway attack landed where I had been. He sets me down, almost gently, beside a frantic Tobi before jumping back into the battle.

All the ninja had the same gourd-looking-thing on the headband, I notice. Frowning a little, I make a mental note to ask what they are later as Tobi begins fussing over me, freaking out when he sees the glass.

"KUMORI-CHAN IS HURT!" He wails sounding flailing around frantically as he bursts into a fit of chibi tears.

"Get her out of the battle, yeah!" Deidara yells over his shoulder. "Get her healed, un," Tobi stops in his chibi crying and nods. I'm gently picked up like I'm going to break if Tobi isn't careful enough and he jumps back into the thicker part of the woods.

"I'm fine, I'm fine," I mumble turning a light red. I'm not used to people coddling me like this. Tobi doesn't seem to hear me. "Tobi…" The masked ninja is picking bits of glass out of my arm about an inch at a time before putting his hand over it, a green glow coming over it and the part of my arm it touches. My eyes get huge when I see that the scratches are gone.

"Hasn't Kumori-chan seen someone get healed before?" He asks softly, tilting his head to the side.

"No," I say honestly, watching him. "There are no ninjas in my world," In my world, the words clump on my tongue and make it stiffen so it sounds like "inn mah wrrl". I swallow hard and watch silently as he picks the last flecks of glass out of my skin, healing it.

"Tobi?"

"Mmm?" He glances up from his work with what I'm sure is a proud smile behind his mask.

"First off, good job-"

"Is Tobi a good boy?" There we go again…that eager puppy wriggle. I mentally roll my eyes as my hand reaches out to pat his head.

"Yes, a very good boy. If I hadn't known better I would say I wasn't cut up in the first place," He wriggles more excitedly like he's about to explode into Tobi confetti and happiness will fall everywhere.

No I'm serious. It'll happen one day.

BOOM! No more Tobi, but look! Confetti! Everywhere! And it's Tobi-colored! AND IT'S CURING THE WORLD OF EVERY POSSIBLE ILLNESS BECAUSE TOBI IS GOOD CONFETTI!

…Dayum straight.

"Second, can you explain to me exactly what's going on?" Thus began the longest, and most painful discussion of my life besides _The Talk_.


	10. FLUFF ATTACK!

Stupidity at its Best (A Naruto Story) Ch 10!

**I'm completely amazed at how great you guys have been about this story. I love you all to death for sticking with me and supporting me in my work. The tenth chapter is a big accomplishment for any author. *bows* Thank you so much to everyone who has read this story but not reviewed. I don't know who you are but you do. Whenever I see the hit count, I'm amazed so many people have read it. I already have the ending in mind. If I don't get fifty (50) reviews by the time this story is done, I won't make a sequel. I've got one in mind with the plot already. I just need a title and to finish this one. I figure I'm about halfway done chapter-wise. Yes this is a promise. Fifty isn't that big of a number for twenty chapters. *crosses fingers* Please don't hate me for asking so much! But I ask you this because I believe there are enough of you to give me that many. I LOVE YOU ALL!**

**Claudia: You're making me blush! I'm updating right now! *hunches over* Yes master, anything for master!**

**SnowsShadow: *sniffle* SO sorry about the shortness…Long story. I'll tell you when you're older. They're the Akatsuki… I'm trying not to make them seem too OOC so it's hard. They're both nice guys. I'm glad you like it.**

**Friglit: Yep! Now you get a lock into my mind…*sees people screaming in running* -.-" Maybe you don't want to have a look into my mind.**

**tomato sauce: Thanks! Your name makes me think of my favorite food, spaghetti! XD  
Wolfsredfalcon: ." It's the power of being captured by the Akatsuki baby! Mind if I steal your idea some time? I kid, I kid…kinda XD**

**theoretical indecisive-ness: :D That's what I'm going for!**

**Thanks to darkpit for the alert, ****tomato sauce for the favorite and alert,**** theoretical indecisive-ness for the favorite!**

**Disclaimer: Yeah…you know what I don't own.**

My head is spinning and my throat feels dry when Tobi finishes his talk. He'd told me everything. Yes, I do mean everything

"Does Kumori-chan understand?" He asks quietly, waving a hand in front of my eyes. I blink and nod.

"Yeah, I do," I say after gathering my composure again. "…Do I have chakra?"

"Tobi doesn't know," He says quietly, his body language tense. "Tobi can sense a little chakra for Kumori-chan but…it isn't strong,"

"Yet," A voice says behind us. My head jerks around and I almost lose my glasses. The wind blows quietly, tugging my hair playfully. The red streak stands out the most and finds itself over my eye. I push it away and look into the eyes of Kakuzu. His eyes are half-lidded lazily and I can't see even a scratch on him.

"We're going to need you strong if you're going to be part of us,"

"What happened to maid?" I ask dryly and I see a vein in his forehead pulse.

"Don't worry; you're still going to have the job of maid. But we're going to need you strong incase there's a raid. You're a very important girl now, Kumori." A small smirk plays behind his mask. "We could earn a lot of money and a lot of information from you if we play our cards right. We're not always going to be here to protect you so you're going to have to learn how to fight. It would be a shame if a pretty little thing like you died," His two first knuckles run along my cheek and I push away.

"Don't touch me, I'm not some kind of weapon or a-a plaything you can just use for whatever purpose you want to." I snap glaring at him. The angry look is thrown off by my glasses slipping down my nose a little. I push them up like the nerd I am and he laughs.

"You're in no place to tell me what I can or can't do. I could reach out and snap your neck right now, feeling nothing," He says reaching out for me again for emphasis. Tobi steps in front of me, protecting me.

"Me dead does nothing for you," I say coldly.

"Kakuzu-san will not hurt Kumori-chan," He says in the harshest tone he can muster. "Leader-sama's orders," The stitched gives a half shrug.

"That doesn't mean anything to me," He says and I can almost hear the smirk in his tone. "If she gets me mad, I'll kill her. Just the same as I'd do anyone else,"

"You won't touch her," Kisame says stepping into our part of the woods, an irritated look on his face. Blood's dripping down a cut bellow his left eye from the battle. "I'll kill you if you do,"

"I'd love to see you try," He says with a short bark of a laugh. I blink in surprise.

"Kisame-san," I say quietly stepping back from behind Tobi. "Don't get so stressed out over me, it's nothing. His threats are harmless, I'm sure," Hearing Kakuzu chuckle, I shoot a glare over your shoulder. "Can I get that cleaned up for you?"

He grunts noncommittally and sits on the spot, crossing his legs. Tobi hands me the bandages from his pouch and I rip off a small patch before setting them on the ground and putting the tape roll in my mouth. I kneel near Kisame's thigh and get close so I can cleanse the wound a little. He shifts uncomfortably as the new skin stings.

"Sorry," I mumble around the tape in my mouth as I gently press the gauze to the cut and tape it.

"It's fine," He says gruffly and I can feel heat radiating off of his cheeks as I finish taping.

_He's_ blushing_! _My inner squeals. _The big tough ninja is BLUSHING!_

_I'm sure it's nothing._ I chide myself._ He probably hasn't been this close to a girl in ages._

_Orr he could like us!_

_He doesn't. He couldn't._

_What's that supposed to mean?_

_You know what it means. We're just a weapon… a spy even. We mean nothing to him._

_Psh, yeah right! Did you see how quick he was to stand up for us?! ARE YOU EFFING BLIND?!_

_No. I'm just seeing things how they are. He doesn't like us._

_You're insane._

_You're insane._

_DIE BIOTCH!_

_RAWR! _ We fought again. Why I keep doing that I'll never know.

_We're really stupid aren't we?_ My inner asks nursing a bruise on her right cheek.

_Yeah. We need to stop doing that._ I think rubbing a bruise on my arm.

_Agreed_

"Kumori…Kumoori~ Yeah," Deidara says waving a hand in front of my face.

"What?" I ask blinking a few times before smiling sheepishly. "Sorry,"

"I said it's time to get moving. A storm's coming, un," My heart stops for a split second. Thunderstorms were one of my worst fears.

"Okay," I say, mentally kicking myself for letting my voice be a few octaves higher than normal.

"You okay?" Hidan asks leaning over to be eye-to-eye with me.

"Fine," I squeak and he shrugs even though it's painfully obvious I'm lying. I'm not a good liar either, among other things.

"Let's go," Zetsu's white side says. "**We should be able to cover a couple miles before it starts raining,**" I gulp mentally and they all look to me.

"She can't run as fast as we can," Itachi states dryly.

"TOBI WILL CARRY KUMORI-CHAN!" He yells at the top of his lungs.

"You're not strong enough, yeah," Deidara says rolling his eyes.

"Are you calling me fat?" My eyebrow twitches. He pales.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, un," He says shaking his head rapidly. "Tobi can't even lift a fifty pound weight, yeah. He wouldn't be able to lift you. I'm flying on my bird anyway, un. You'll be no trouble,"

"Let's just get going," Kakuzu says rolling his eyes. "Time is money,"

"Money who**," Hidan grumbles rolling his eyes.

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that," He says shooting a glare at his partner. Hidan flips him the bird and starts running.

"Oh yeah, yeah," Deidara says with a small smile as he looks at me. He slips his hands around my waist and ties a medic pack onto my hips. I check inside and find gauze, tape, bandages, and anything else I would need to try to be a half-decent nurse.

"Thanks," I say smiling brightly at him.

"It's nothing, un, I just picked it up off of a dead ninja and thought it might be of use to you," I lean over and peck his cheek.

"That was very thoughtful," A light blush shines on his cheeks as he quickly creates a bird and helps me onto it before we start fly. My arms are interlocked around his waist, my face pressed slightly into his back. After a while, it starts raining. He fishes a hat out of his cloak (HOW DID THAT FIT IN THERE?!) and puts it on so my head is shielded as well.

"Thanks," I say with my chin on his shoulder. I can feel him grinning as he nods.

"No problem, yeah," It steadily gets worse and is pouring before Itachi lets us take shelter in a cave.

"I hate rain," Hidan says darkly as Tobi shakes like a dog to get all the water off of him. "I f****** hate Tobi too,"

"Hey!" He says crossing his arms as he sits down in front of the crackling fire. Said fire is thanks to Itachi's fireball jutsu. I wring my hair out and sigh as it lays on my back.

"I don't like rain either," I shrug nonchalantly. My entire 'cool' look changes when I hear a thunder crack. Whimpering quietly, I pull my legs to my chest and cover my ears.

"What's wrong with you?" Hidan asks cluelessly. Lightening is followed by thunder again. I whimper again and screw my eyes shut.

Strong arms pull me close and I'm wrapped in something warm. I open my eyes and find myself in Kisame's arms. He's buttoned his cloak up around me and gently pushed my head against his chest. His heartbeat pounds in my right ear and I'm curled up in his lap.

"She's afraid of thunder," He says like it's nothing as he presses his other hand over my ear. I easily fall asleep that way, soothed by his warmth and heartbeat.

**Aww that's a lovely amount of fluff isn't it? Yeah… *happy sigh* I'm really pleased with how this chapter turned out. Please review if you want me to update faster! Hopefully I'll update a lot because I'M ON WINTER BREAK! *woo***


	11. The Evilness of the Cup Ramen

Stupidity at its Best (A Naruto Story) Ch 11

**Dun-dun-dun-dun~ It's Angel again! Thanks to everyone who's reviewed and supported me to keep writing. I never thought that I'd get to chapter eleven. *wipes tear away from eye* I'd love to thank each and every one of you but not all of my readers review so I can't *sigh* I'll just have to settle for this.**

**tomato sauce: I'm SUCH a Kisame fangirl 3 He's so cute! I'm glad you use the "are you calling me fat" for evil! :D**

**theoretical indecisive-ness: O_O" Whoops! I'm glad you liked the fluff though…**

**Voievoda: I know! Like I said to tomato sauce, Kisame is cute! We should start an alliance of fangirls. We can go kidnap him! XD *shoves Tobi close as he BOOMS* Tah-dah! Thanks for the love and the fav! *happy sob* Thank you so much for your support and the alert!**

**AnonymoustheFirst: *bows* I'm trying to update every other day, at least. I'm glad you guys like this so much!**

**nicsnort: I have a pretty good feeling that I'm going to get my fifty! I have over 800 hits too so…yeah! X3 Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone who reads this! Hopefully I'll have another chapter out on Christmas Day!!**

**Wolfsredfalcon: Thanks! I just might! *psh* Who really needs to think, honestly? It's over rated if you ask me. XD**

**SnowsShadow: *hugs back* =^^= Your reviews make MY day! You're the best reviewers I could ever ask for because your reviews give me warm fuzzies! Warm fuzzies and reviews make me update faster…and a lack of sleep. XD I'm glad you like the fluff and the fights. XD I work hard to make sure they're in character.**

**Talbulkun: Whoops! Thanks a ton for the CC (constructive criticism) You're the first one to do that and I really appreciate it. I'll try to get it a little more straight forward. ^^" This is one of my first fanfictions so…yeah. XD Don't worry, the next chapter she's going to finally get to the base and start her training. I'm taking ideas for what her nindo should be too! Thanks for the props, the favorite, and the alert! *whew***

**gyvb: Thanks for the favorite and alert! I'm glad you like it so much!**

**And thanks to JuneEmery for the favorite and alert!**

**This chapter is for all the people mentioned above. You guys are the reason I write! *bows* This is for you.**

**Disclaimer: Yeah…If I owned this, I wouldn't be writing for free. **

I wake up feeling strangely rested. A small yawn escapes my lips and I cuddle closer into whatever I'm sleeping on. It grumbles a protest and yawns.

"Sorry," I mutter sleepily and try to get back to the dream world I was just in.

"It's fine," Kisame says and I scream in surprise, falling out of his lap. The buttons are ripped open, some of them broken from the sewing so I fall free. He comes with me and places his hands on either side of my head to keep from falling on top of me. His knees are on either side of my hips and my glasses are hanging off of one ear. He's looking down at me and I can feel my face coloring. His face slowly comes toward mine and I feel myself leaning up so that his breath hits my lips. "Kumori?"

"Yeah?" A light blush colors his cheeks as he moves in to kiss me. I close my eyes and lean in a little more so that-

"BREAKFAST! TOBI WAS A GOOD BOY AND MADE BREAKFAST!" Tobi yells at the top of his lungs ruining the moment. The two of us break apart and jump back like we're on fire.

"Sorry," I mumble as Tobi bounds in and grabs my arm.

"Kumori-chan needs to eat Tobi's cooking!" He says dragging me off to the food.

"Apparently I'm starving," I mutter sitting down to find breakfast in the form of cup ramen. It's a food so evil; it deserves to have its name CAPITALIZED! OH NOES! My eye twitches when I remember how Cup Ramen and I had a show down the last time we met.

Cue dramatic music.

Do-do-do. Dwa, dwa, dwa. Do-do-do. Dwa, dwa, dwa. Do-do-do. Dwa, dwa, dwa.

A tumbleweed rolls by and the scene pans in so that it's a shot of my eyes. It flashes over to just the label of Cup Ramen.

Do-do-do. Dwa, dwa, dwa. Do-do-do. Dwa, dwa, dwa. Do-do-do. Dwa, dwa, dwa.

My foot edges out to make the first move.

The Cup Ramen hisses.

I hiss back.

We both hiss.

It jumps into the air dramatically and is about to lash down on me when I reach up with my foot and kick it. It lands on the ground again, "bleeding" a little. Broth comes out of a crack right by the label. My foot goes out, this time with the intent to KILL!

…

You want to know what it did?

You really want to know?

This is something so amazing and awe inspiring it will be told from generation to generation as the great Cup Ramen VS Foot Battle Royal!

My amazing foot…

TIPPED IT OVER!

Cup Ramen's "brains" fall out and it hisses in pain as it dies. I laugh triumphantly and ride off into the sunset on a speckled horse…no, no, not a horse…a sloth. Yeah, that's cool, my glasses glinting and blinding everyone within a two mile radius.

…

You don't believe me do you?

Nah, I don't blame you.

I'll, uh, give you the story of what really happened now.

Hidan decided that he had to, at that exact moment I was glaring at my breakfast, go and perform one of his sadistic rituals.

"Move it b*tch," He says knocking my ramen over. Tobi gasps and immediately starts apologizing to be for "Hidan-san's meanness! He isn't a good boy like Tobi, Tobi is a good boy!"

"It's fine," I mumble throwing the foam Ramen container into the fire and laughing under my breath when it burns. "I don't really like Cup Ramen anyway. It hates me," Zetsu blinks with a confused look.

"What do you mean it's evil? **Yeah…it's just ramen. What could it possibly have done?**" My eyes narrow as I look at the burning embers that were my breakfast.

"I was just making Tobi some Cup Ramen and it burned me, all I was trying to do was make a good boy some dinner!" I hiss and glare even more darkly at the food container.

"You really should eat, **yeah breakfast is the most important meal of the day and all that sh*t**," I laugh a little.

"Nah I'm good," I say shaking my head. I close my eyes and sigh a little as my stomach protests quietly. I open my eyes again and find a pair of chopsticks with noodles on them, inches away from my face. "Huh?"

"Open your mouth," Zetsu says softly. "**We can't have you fainting on us. That would be a real pain in the $$.**" I smile a little at his kindness and open my mouth. He starts feeding me carefully like if he's not careful I'll explode.

BOOM!

Kumori guts everywhere. Nom, nom, nom.

"Thank you Zetsu-san," I say through a mouthful of noodles.

"_**You're welcome**_," He says with what looks like sneer but I'm sure is his attempt at a grin. I smile back and he gives me another chopstick of noodles. I find myself with a chopstick sticking out of my nose.

"Um…" I cross my eyes to get a better view of the chopstick. "This is awkward."

"Just a little," He mumbles and gently pulls it from my nose.

"Ow," I say when my nose starts bleeding.

"Oh sh*t I'm sorry," He says and I shake my head, putting my sleeve to my nose.

"It's nothing, it's just a little blood," I say, my voice slightly muffled.

"Hey Itachi says it's time to-HOLY F*CK SHE'S BLEEDING! WHAT THE F*CK DID YOU DO TO HER?!" Hidan yells as he steps back into our range of vision, bloodied and with his arm partially cut off. I scream.

"Oh my God Hidan are you okay?! Were you attacked or something?!" I pull some bandages out of my pack and run over to him.

_Golden opportunity Hidan!_ The devil mini-Hidan on his shoulder says poking him in his bloodied neck with his fork-thing._ Get some from the b*tch while she's 'nursing' you back to health._

_Don't do that Hidan,_ The angel mini-Hidan on his other shoulder says shaking his head. _She's an innocent girl, don't do it._

_Die._ Hidan thinks darkly and mentally flicks him off his shoulder.

"It really f*cking hurts," He says with a moan.

"Lay down and try not to move too much," I say starting to wash off the blood.

"Kumori he's no-" Zetsu starts but a glare from Hidan shuts him up.

"Does it still hurt?" I ask as his hand starts reaching over.

"Yeah, a lot," He moans rolling his eyes back.

"What can I do to help?" I ask pushing my glasses up.

"Oh I don't want to be a bother," He says as his hand is inches away from its mark.

**:D That's where I'm stopping it. I promise that next chapter, things relevant to the plot will happen. Will Hidan get away with what he's trying to do? Will Zetsu step in and save Kumori? Will things actually happen?! Why am I asking you all this?!**


	12. Meeting Pein

Stupidity at its Best (A Naruto Story) Ch 12

**Happy holidays everyone! I don't want to offend anyone who doesn't celebrate the same holiday I do (Christmas) but if you do yay! May the fat man give you many presents. Yeah, yeah, I know he's not real but that can't stop me from dreaming, right? This chapter will be better than the ones past, I promise! I am taking suggestions for what her nindo should be (****Talbulkun, thank you so much!). I hope this is a decent present!**

**gyvb: *happy sob* I feel so loved! Thank you so much for your support! I WAFFLES YOU!**

**tomato sauce: :D That means I'm doing my job right.**

**Wolfsredfalcon: *nod, nod* The squares you boil are MUCH better than the cup sh*t. Awww you may be a human blob that got beaten by a windshield wiper, but you're MY blob! Brains aren't very obedient, are they? XD**

**SnowsShadow: *bows* I'm honored! It's also amazing to see your artwork, I love it! X3 I love the fluff too. ." You'll see what happens after you finish reading my extremely long AN! Yes…Let's… *chibi tears* But I write better when there's a lack of sleep!**

**Thanks to BlackMagpie for the favorite and .Girl for the alert! **

Hidan's hand is about to hit its mark when I'm jerked back by threads. Hidan hisses slightly in protest and sits up.

"WHAT THE F*** KAKUZU?!" He yells as Kakuzu pulls me closer to him.

"Huh?" I ask cluelessly.

"Don't take advantage of her while she's trying to do something useful," He says letting go of me as the threads retreat back to their host.

"**Hidan's f***ing immortal anyway. **This is part of his rituals. He's fine," Zetsu adds making my eyebrow twitch.

_KYAAAAAAAAAAAA I'M GONNA KILL THAT MOFO! _My inner yells going all hissy-fit-cat-ninja-mode.

_No don't do that! That's just what he wants! He wants our attention. It's like he's five._ A quick glance over to the pouting immortal and my phrase is corrected. _He's a five year-old in an immortal twenty-something's body. _

_D*** straight. He's acting like it._ She nods with her arms crossed

_But he is kind of cute when he pouts…_ I say sheepishly pushing up my glasses like the nerd I am.

_DON'T YOU START GETTING MUSHY ON ME!_ She yells getting a giant anger vein._  
_

_Gah! I'm not, I'm not!_ My inner whacks me over the head with her shoe. _OW! B****!_ She glares at me and I glare back. Catfight! Me-ow!

_Truce?_ She asks holding her bleeding lip tentatively.

_Truce._ We shake hands and walk away to lick our wounds.

"Time to go," Itachi says soullessly. Hidan gets up from his pout fest as everyone starts pouring into camp. Kisame puts out the fire, avoiding my gaze. I mentally kick myself as I push up my glasses and grab my medic bag. Deidara makes a bird and jumps up, being a gentleman and pulling me up as well. "We should be at the hideout within two hours," We nod as the forest around us whispers warnings.

"Nervous, yeah?" Deidara asks as the bird takes off. I put my chin on his shoulder and nod. My arms are wrapped around his waist so I don't fall off and I don't hurt his bird.

"A little, is your leader mean?" He laughs and I bite my lip.

"If you get on his good side, he's neutral. The only person I've ever known to get on his good side is Konan-san, un," I feel the blood starting to drain from my face.

"You're kidding," I mumble tightening my grip on his waist a little. He shoots me a sympathetic look and reaches down to his hip pocket.

"Don't worry about it too much, un," He says in what I'm sure is supposed to be soothing. "He isn't really _mean_ to anyone but Tobi. Tobi doesn't care, though. He thinks he has problems 'channeling his love', yeah," He throws his voice to sound more like Tobi. I giggle and a small grin crawls onto Deidara's lips.

"Thanks," I murmur and he slips something into my hand. I look down, confused to see a small clay owl blinking sleepily. It's about six inches tall and small enough to sit comfortably in my palm. It shakes out its wings and opens its mouth in a silent hoot.

"It's so cute!" I say softly as I run a finger over its back. He smiles a little.

"If you ever need me, for any reason, just tell it to come find me yeah, it will. It's yours," I smile at him and peck his cheek quickly.

"That's the sweetest gift anyone has ever given me. Thank you Deidara." He blushes, slightly embarressed.

"It's nothing, un, just if you get into trouble,"

"Still," I say happily. "I'm going to name it…Kisu,"

"Death?" He asks with a small smile playing at his lips.

"Yeah," I grin. "Seems fitting, seeing as all of your art explodes."

"That was harsh," He says feigning a hurt look. I smile and shove him gently.

"I know," We both laps into a comfortable silence as the miles slip by underneath the bird's wings.

"We're here," Kakuzu murmurs as Zetsu lifts the rock with some jutsu. Deidara flies the two of us in as I slip Kisu into my pouch. He (I decided that he would be a boy) flutters around, pushing some stuff aside to make room for himself.

I jump down off the bird, causing a small earthquake (just kidding! ...mostly) and almost break my ankle. Grumbling swears under my breath, I straighten back up and twist it in a circle. Feeling it pop, I sigh happily and look up to come face-to-face with a really pretty girl with blue hair.

"Leader-sama wishes to see you," She says softly and I hear a few people behind me suck in breaths quickly.

"Yes ma'am," I mumble with a small bow.

"It's Konan-san," She says as I stand back up.

"Sorry Konan-san," I mumble kicking myself mentally. She gives a curt nod and starts walking, giving me a sideways glance that lets me know I should follow her. I 'oh!' stupidly and run after her to catch up.

The hallway is dark and creepy looking, I notice. It's a long walk and seems to go on forever before we reach a door with 'boss' written on it in kanji. Very fancily, I might add.

"Enter," A deep voice booms just milliseconds after Konan stops. She didn't even have to knock. I shiver a little as the doors, which resembled something from Star Wars as the opened, open. The bluenette steps back to let me through. I step into the room and she lets the door whoosh shut. "You must be Kumori-san,"

"Yes sir," I squeak with a bow. "I-It's an honor to meet you, Leader-sama, sir," He chuckles softly.

"I'm glad to see that you've known me for five seconds and you're already terrified of me,"

"S-Sorry sir," I say moving to bow again but he waves his hand.

"Don't bow so much. It'll make you seem like a doormat,"

"Sorry sir," I say a little more confidently.

"That's better," He says with a small smirk twitching his lips.

"You wanted to see me?"

"Yes" is his answer as he steeples his fingers gently. "As you may know, you look a lot like a girl we killed not too long ago. Only a month or so," I nod when he looks up to meet my deer-in-the-headlights gaze. "We want you to go back an infiltrate Konoha,"

"H-How would that be, sir? I don't know anything about her or-" He holds up one pale hand to silence me.

"You look like her. They don't know she's dead yet. We could have you pretend to be her but the more likely of the two is that you would deliver the news that she is dead and be there as a memory. They would easily accept you, seeing as you're innocent and you have a connection with us and you look like her. You would send regular reports back and become friends with the blond boy…Naruto, I believe. Konoha would be taken over from the inside without them even knowing it," He says with a small smirk. I nod, knowing I'm trapped.

"Your training starts as soon as you leave this room. You'll be a subordinate under Tobi. He'll teach you healing jutsu and then you'll be passed to someone else to teach you other ways of the ninja. You'll be S-ranked before you leave for your first mission. Dismissed," Questions bubble freely in my mind but I know better than to ask any to him so I bow.

"Thank you sir," I murmur as I leave. Zetsu is waiting for me when I come out.

"I'll show you to where you'll be stay," He says softly.

"Thank you Zetsu-san," I say and I swear I can see a blush on his cheeks…but I'm sure it's just the light.

**Angel: ^^ I hope you liked your present! From all of us here at Stupidity at its Best…**

**Akatsuki (except for Konan and Pein): Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy holidays!**

**Tobi: TOBI IS A GOOD Boy!**

**Kumori: *pout* I am not fat.**

**Hidan: *snickers* Just a little, b***h**


	13. Epilog

Stupidity at its Best (A Naruto Story) Ch 13

**Alright! This is going to be the last chapter of Stupidity at its Best! Don't cry, please! As I write this, I'm stuck in my parents' van going up north to where it's even colder than it is where I live. Incase you haven't noticed, I don't really like winter. Hell I loathe it. If winter was a person, said season would be dead by now. I'm going to start my next story, the sequel to Stupidity, "Isn't Stupidity Contagious?" It's the continued story of Kumori-baka. This chapter is the epilog. SnowsShadow, theoretical ****indecisive****-ness please PM me, I've got a little surprise for the both of you! Those two have been with me from the very beginning. They're both amazing!! Please enjoy the last chapter of Stupidity at its Best and R&R Isn't Stupidity Contagious? X3**

**Wolfsredfalcon: (Kami I love your long reviews!) *Kisu flutters over to you* Yeah…he's really secretly evil.**

**Kisu: :3**

**Angel: -.-" Don't trust the cute act. It's just an act. YAY FOR RAMEN! ^^ I'm glad you're not as blobby and your brain is behaving? Mind teaching me how to do that? XD  
SnowsShadow: I'm one of them! *chibi sob* You'd be willing to do that for me? You're amazing! That's a huge honor even though I don't know what doujinshi means…**

**tomato sauce: They're two of my favorites! But then again…everyone is my favorite. XD Thanks so much! Your compliments keep me writing. I was worried Pein would be OOC, he's so d**n hard to write. I kinda thought it was a painfully Mary-Sue thing to do…**

**Panda-chan-san: Thanks for the alert and favorite! I was just thinking of what anyone would do in front of someone like Pein…*nervous laugh* Thanks!**

**Voievoda: Don't worry! There's going to be a lot of them in this chapter! I'm going to try to get some interaction with everyone in this MEGA EPIC SUPER EPILOG!**

**Likes to Smile: Thank you so much! I love reviews like yours!**

"Again," I groan quietly and put my head on the cool stainless steel table in the infirmary. Itachi raises an eyebrow at me and I sit up.

"Sorry Itachi-san," I mumble quietly and turn to Deidara and Tobi. "I'm really sorry Tobi, but Deidara, can you break his arm again?" He nods with a small grin and puts his hand out to Tobi's arm. He whimpers quietly but my reassuring smile helps the pain.

I guess I owe you an explanation. It's been over two months since I had my meeting with Leader-sama. I've been training almost nonstop since then and I'm still tired. From the moment I wake up to the moment I drag my sorry behind to bed, I'm training or doing chores. I've been on a few simple missions already. I'm learning healing jutsu fast but not fast enough. My training needs to be finished soon so I can get out and make myself useful.

I haven't changed much mentally but physically a little. I'm still curvy but I lost a few pounds. My hair got a little longer, now it brushes my shoulders if I tilt my head to one side. The red streak is still there, just faded (finally!). My glasses are still in place, much to Pein-sama's protest. I've got Nariko's old hitai-ate on my forehead, just like she did. It took a little while to get used to but now I feel naked without it. It's not scored, though. Not yet. After I get my big mission finished, I'll be able to score it. He doesn't want me rousing suspicion. If my cover's blown the mission will be a failure and I'll most likely be killed.

I like living.

The one thing that's stayed the same, through out everything, is that I'm still as stupid as ever. I'm clueless but that just means I won't have to act as much, which is really good because acting is one of the many things I can't do well. The list keeps getting longer and longer as my training continues.

Tobi crying out wakes me up from my thoughts. He whimpers quietly again as Deidara takes his hands away from his arm and I wince, knowing he was going through this for me.

"I'm sorry," I say again as he cautiously puts his broken arm on the table. I gently reach out and send my chakra into his arm, mentally mapping out where needed to be healed.

"Faster," comes the weasel's voice in my ear. I wince a little at his tone but do as he says. "Faster. If this was a battle, you'd both probably be dead by now," I resist the urge to flip him off and grit my teeth.

"I'm trying, Itachi-san," I say through my anger. It isn't long before his arm is fully healed.

"Again," He says and I open my mouth to protest but Hidan comes to the rescue.

"F**k off Tobi," He says shoving his arm aside and laying down on the table, blood still pouring from his rituals. "Pein says you're training and I'm supposed to be the test dummy," Deidara mumbles something that sounds oddly like "got the dummy part right, yeah," under his breath. Hidan glares and flips him off.

I sigh a little and put a hand over my eyes, a headache creeping into my brain.

"How bad is it this time?" I ask as he takes off what's left of his shirt.

"Just stomach and heart this time," He says as I start healing him.

"You're going easy on me, aren't you?" I ask dryly.

"I do it because I f**king love you," He teases exaggeratedly purses his lips and Itachi swats his roaming hand. "You guys never let me have any d**n fun,"

"Done," I say after almost half an hour. "Oh Kami," Feeling the affects of the healing sinking in, I look tiredly over to Itachi.

"Go get some sleep," He says looking slightly annoyed. "We're going to need you…rested,"

"Mmm," I respond stumbling back to my room. My room looks like everyone else's. Small, slightly cramped, bed pushed to one wall, dresser across from it, closet at the foot of the bed, about a foot of room, and a door leading to the also small bathroom. No windows, of course. That would be asking for an attack on us while we sleep. I look at myself in the mirror and sigh a little.

My outfit is much like any other kunochi's. A black shirt that has sleeves that come down to my elbows with the design of light blue petals being blown across it is my top. If you squint, you can see that they form a cloud. Spandex-y shorts and a grey medic pack-skirt-thing serve as my pants. A kunai holster is on my right thigh with a weapons' pouch on my left hip. You already know about my hitai-ate and my glasses, of course.

I fall asleep easily but wake up after only a couple hours. Pulling my glasses off the table, I shove them onto my eyes and narrowing my eyes in order to get a better view of the digital clock on my dresser. It blazes two-fifteen in bright red numbers. I sigh a little and get up. I straighten out my shirt and skirt, seeing as I slept in it and it looked wrinkled.

Yawning a little, I glance in the mirror as I pass, going to the piano room. He wanted to see me. He always wakes me up in the middle of the night if he wants to see me.

"Sorry I'm late," I say putting my fingers on the keys as the red head appears beside me, almost out of thin air. "It was a little harder to wake up tonight, I'm exhausted,"

"You know I don't like to be kept waiting," He says quietly, turning his head to look at me. His eyes glint a little in the light and I smile.

"Sorry," I say gently pressing the keys down. A low chuckle works its way from his throat as I play.

"Sadness and Sorrow again, Kumori?" He asks easily slipping in and playing an octave higher.

"Yeah," I nod. "I really like it,"

"You've played it every night this week," I nod again. There are a few rules he has for me. I stumbled upon the piano room a few days after my training started. There was a storm and I was scared. I found this room looking for someone else. I also found him.

_Flashback_

_I run down the halls, my feet hitting the ground almost thunderously. I'm panting. I pass one of the bay windows just as lightning flashes in front of it. Thunder follows after and tears prick my eyes as I keep running. Mentally cursing myself for my weakness, I run faster. _

_A few more minutes pass and I run. Lightning flashes again, showing a room just a few yards in front of me. A small smile finds its way onto my lips for a split second. I finally get inside and look around. It's a fairly large room with a cherry oak baby grand piano and bench in the middle._

_Memories of forced piano lessons as a child fill my mind and I shake them away. I sit down at the bench and play a few notes, pleased to find it's tuned. _

_"It's been a long time, so don't be mad if my playing sucks," I say to no one in particular and start to play. I finish some piece I had to memorize for a recital and smile at how much I remembered…less than half. _

_"Very good," A voice says behind me and I whip around. A young red haired man, who looks much like that guy Gaara, is standing in the doorway. "I didn't know there was another girl here besides Konan-san," _

_"I'm Mitsukai Kumori," I say as he starts walking toward me. "I'm working under Tobi to learn healing ninjutsu," He nods slowly and is soon at the bench. He motions for me to move and I scoot over a foot so he can sit. He does and puts his fingers on the keys, easily playing Cannon in D. _

_"Akatsuna no Sasori," He says as his fingers glide across the keys. I feel my eyes getting round at how gracefully he plays._

_"Sasori-san," I say softly after he finishes. "Could you teach me how to play something like that? Please?" He looks over at me and I stick out my bottom lip, my eyes going puppy dog-ish. A small sigh escapes his lips and his shoulders slump as he puts his hands on his legs. _

_"I will teach you under a few conditions," He says turning to look at me._

"YAY!" I say throwing my hands up.

_"Please don't shout,"_

"Sorry,"

_"You will not ask about my personal life, you won't shout, we'll meet at night I'll wake you when your lessons are, and you won't be late,"_

"Yes sir," I say with a huge grin. "Thank you so much Sasori-san!"

_Flashback End _

"Very good," He says when I finished and I smile.

"Thank you Sasori-san,"

"Who are you talking to, Kumori?" Kisame asks stepping into the room. I flinch and turn around.

"Sasori-san, Kisame-san," I say and the red head stands up.

"Kumori, Sasori's-" He starts to say but his eyes get huge when he sees him.

"Long time, no see, Kisame," He says with a smirk. Kisame looks like a fish out of water, gaping and not blinking. I giggle nervously, especially when I see that he's just wearing a pair of pajama pants with little fish bowls, complete with goldfish, on them.

_Oooooo he is soooo sexy! Look at that chest!_ My inner squeals pressing a tissue to her nose so she doesn't start bleeding everywhere.

_Stop thinking like that! It's Kisame-san…_

_Sexy, sexy~! _

"I-It really has been, Sasori-san," He says taking a huge gulp of air. "What have you been doing with Kumori?"

"She found me, for one, Kisame. I've been teaching her how to play piano. She's quite good, as you've heard." Sasori says with another smirk. I shiver at his icy tone and Kisame's eyes go from huge to narrow.

"Have you told her?"

"Told me what?" They ignore me.

"Why would I do that?"

"Because she needs to know,"

"I notice you haven't sounded the alarm,"

"They wouldn't believe me if I told them I saw you,"

"Why?" I ask, hating being left in the dark.

"Just like you didn't believe Deidara," The taller man sets his jaw and slips an arm around my shoulders.

"C'mon, Kumori. You need to get back to bed. It's late," I pull away.

"Dammit Kisame-san I'm not five! What the hell is going on?!" Sasori chuckles.

"Go on Kisame, tell her," He says with a mocking tone.

"Kumori, I'll tell you on the way back to your room," Kisame says in an almost pleading tone.

"No," I say crossing my arms and stepping back behind Sasori. "Not until you tell me what's going on," The red head smirks and looks at me over his shoulder.

"Good girl," I smile confusedly under his praise. I look back at the two to see that they're glaring at each other.

"What's going on?" I ask again and Kisame sighs.

"Kumori-chan, Sasori's dead," I tense a little and look to my piano teacher.

"Sa-so-ri-san?" I ask slowly. He smiles a little, nodding.

"I am dead, that pink-haired brat killed me,"

"Are you a ghost?"

"I am,"

"Oh," I smile back. "Can we continue our lessons? You're a good teacher," He reaches out and ruffles my hair, which is kind of weird because he couldn't touch me so I just feel cold air running through my hair.

"If you're not afraid of me," I nod happily.

"Kay, night Sasori-san!" I say and go back to Kisame. He's gawking me.

"Y-You're not terrified of him? He's a ghost Kumori!"

"I know," I say with a small smile. "He's really nice though, once you befriend him,"

"You're a really strange girl," He says shaking his head. I beam up at him.

"Thanks," I say going to start some tea. When I get there, I'm surprised to find Tobi there.

"Kumori-chan!" He says happily, perking up when he sees me. "Why isn't Kumori-chan sleeping?"

"I was having a piano lesson," I shrug starting to boil some hot water.

"Oh," He says and bounces over, glomping me and peering over my shoulder. "Can Kumori-chan make Tobi some hot chocolate?"

"Of course," I say ruffling his hair with a smile.

"Yay!" He says and bounces around happily as I get it ready.

"Kumori," Zetsu says stepping into the room just as I pour the drink into a mug. "**It's time,**"


End file.
